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brian_shut

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Coat me in oven chips and call me very naughty [27 Dec 2010|11:13am]
Hello my dear virtual pals. My next door neighbour Noel passed over and went to glory yesterday and it's been a bit of an unexpected body blow. I'm going to miss his red face at the window in the morning, his gutteral breathing through the letterbox and his sinister but essentially well-intentioned silent calls. He always used to give me his old TV magazines too (I archive them in my loft space so I can spend nostalgic afternoons reading about past decades' top telly). Now he's gone gone gone. I've been asked to do the eulogy at the funeral service but I'm not sure I'll be able to deliver. I'm trying to channel inspiration from Elton the Rocket Man's appearance on Diana Day, but so far my efforts have been far from Candle quality. Might just stick a DVD on and hope for the best - I'm thinking Full Metal Jacket.
horse whisper

A menu for a cafe I'll never visit [12 Apr 2009|11:51pm]
Did you know, dear reader, that you can order cakes to be delivered to your home over the internet? I made this discovery two months ago and since then have been going literally mad having cakes sent to my modest but well-appointed caravanette. Fruit cake, sponge Victorias, icy fingers, I've had them all, but now I'm feeling a little bit guilty - a little bit guilty now that Easter's here and I've got thirty choc eggs to embark on. I'd invite my son around to tackle them with me, but to be honest I'm not sure I actually like him that much.
horse whisper

My own personal Godhead [10 Jul 2008|11:29pm]
I've been extremely shaken these past few days by the press-fuelled sex scandal regarding Max Mosley, the motor-racing bigwig and son of the late fascist leader Sir Oswald Mosley. If the News of the World can get their hands on that sort of info when the subject is a famous man, then I shudder to think what they could uncover about me. That's my logic anyway, so to pre-empt any newspaper reports that may or may not appear in the near future, I've listed my preferences and predilections below for your perusal.

Pyjamas: Blue, striped
Fave meal: Chicken thighs, ground coffee (my treat), multipack of Double Deckers (1 consumed per hour from 7-midnight, whilst swearing at Big Brother)
Last phone call: Mum, 45 minutes to tell her I'm "alright, really I am"
Videocassettes: Mostly stored under the bed and in kitchen cupboards. Some may have excerpts from Saturday Swapshop and long-forgotten Blind Dates (not the TV show).
Bath: No.

I've noted the fact that I've only updated annually for the past three years. I think that's how I'll keep it.
horse whisper

Any Dream Will Do [26 May 2007|11:33pm]

Oh thank Christ I'm back. I've taken up painting over the past year. I'm often to be found putting brush to canvas in the attic. I held an exhibition in my garage just last week; one of the neighbourhood cats appeared to be limbering up for a purchase but pulled out at the last minute when it spotted a bird. There's always tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.

horse whisper

We talked about the wasps [15 Mar 2006|11:11pm]
I think that's enough Kit-Kats for one evening.
2 horse whispers| horse whisper

Tight night night night nighty [16 Nov 2005|08:25pm]
Ooh, its so god-damn cold out there! I've taken to wearing lots of layers, lots and lots of hot layers so the public can't see my body. But still; winter's here, and with it the usual dread of Christmas - the silence at 10 a.m. on the 25th December, as I serve myself cereal and open the free gift contained inside. I usually go back to bed after that, waking for 'Noel's Christmas Presents' or whatever replacement they put on. 'Deal or No Deal'. The TV programme, I mean.
4 horse whispers| horse whisper

Cover me, then repent [23 Jun 2005|12:58am]
[ mood | Presidential ; ) ]

Have you noticed that it doesn't really go dark at this time of year? Or is it that my dreams all take place in the daytime? It's a coin with many sides, my friends, a coin with many sides. Well, two.

4 horse whispers| horse whisper

Thus [26 May 2005|01:42pm]
Could it be that the window cleaners are spies, keeping tabs on me? One stares. I like him a lot, and think he likes me too, but nevertheless I've taken to hiding my loose Pounds Sterling when he turns up with his extendable ladder and sponge.
horse whisper

Well well well well well [20 May 2005|10:25am]
Hi! Not much to fill you in on to be honest. My son's whereabouts are still unknown; the authorities haven't even found his car.. if they do that, at least it's, you know, fairly conclusive. Since then I've mostly been clock-watching and reading my dear departed wife's dog-eared copies of Bella (it's a real eye-opener to read about the activities of the proletariat circa 1981), interspersed with an hour's coughing in the back bedroom. Oh, and a passer-by mistook me for Alastair Campbell a week ago. Which is rather silly of them really, we all know he doesn't possess a face. I'll keep you posted regarding my son's situation - whether he's alive/dead/trapped forever in interminable limbo.

I love you all.

Brian.
horse whisper

Emulsion [11 Jan 2005|10:27am]
[ mood | permissive ]

I just spilt hot paint all over my leg! Ooooh! Haha, yes, I know what you're thinking. "What's he doing with hot paint?" Well that's for me to know and for you to never find out.

horse whisper

Raining raining raining on me [10 Sep 2004|03:33pm]
[ mood | stony ]

I'm Brian, and I'm back, tanned and proud! Went to Sardinia and caught Dengue Fever, not very nice all told (and that is all of it). My son carried me home however, he's a good lad; even on the plane he wouldn't let go. Very protective. Actually maybe a bit too protective. I must check and see if he really is my son, they were always confused.

Bye.

6 horse whispers| horse whisper

Pop the turkey in the oven and we'll have a good time? [09 May 2004|05:00pm]
[ mood | too big for the dip ]

On the five-o-five, baby. I'm feeling a bit wired today, not sure if its something to do with eating that steel wool earlier (there wasn't anything to eat for breakfast, unfortunately).

I've just sent off a cheque for a porcelain dog I saw advertised in the newspaper today; I don't need it, it just gives me a horizon to lunge to.

But, you know, this abuse is easy to end forever.

Daddy you're a fool to cry.

3 horse whispers| horse whisper

She was dirty, he was clean, lets all have a shower [30 Apr 2004|12:49pm]
[ mood | Alone ]

Just got back from the dogs, my bitch won, it left me with a hefty five o in the old bank account. I think i'll by a rocket, to go with my other astronomical objects, a star from Dixons and a sun from Asda.

Brian lives

2 horse whispers| horse whisper

he clambered up to the bedside table and fell off. [21 Apr 2004|11:22am]
[ mood | horny ]

Today has been a bad bad day. I'm not meaning to be horrid like Tom Hanks when you pour chicken over him when asleep, I meant it in a dominatrix sort of way.
Oooh you bad day, what are going to do to me today then? Its great.
If you have never been fellated by a young day then you haven't lived. Or you have lived and haven't been fellated by a young day.

Okie dokie smokie its time for the fire song

horse whisper

On dating failure and those Native American Indian dream catcher things. [20 Apr 2004|07:18pm]
[ mood | Wouldn't you like to know? ]

Damn damn damn me like an extension lead.

OK, here's the deal guys, I booked two tickets to see 'The Butterfly Effect', but no-one turned up to watch it with me (the cinema was full, granted, but I mean an accompaniment of the female variety). Was I supposed to find a date or something? That sounds like a lot of hassle. In the end I took a mop instead. I ate myself silly with popcorn and chips (bought in prior to my arrival at the motion picture establishment), and subsequently fainted outside. A thug slapped me and kicked me and broke my glasses; I went to casualty. There they gave me blood to drink and hugged me.

Then I woke up.

horse whisper

They managed to get the James Bond movie in. [12 Apr 2004|06:22pm]
I was shocked and alarmed to find a picture of my own house printed in this morning's newspaper; my palpitations soon eased when I realised that one caravanette looks pretty much like another.

Easter is a peculiar time of year for me, I often shed more skin than usual. I managed to sell four bags of my flaked epidermis (or "dust" as it is latterly called) to a group of callow youths I met behind the library (they were burning books, as is their wont); I claimed it was a new variety of drug that has far-reaching effects - namely the development of wings and the ability to write popular hit songs (in the manner of Will Young; I find his weak chin sensual and tantalizing, but at the same time his eyes deal out the sort of disciplinary action that a cold-hearted office manager might deal out to a secretary that slurps her coffee, or has put on a bit of weight over the Christmas break).

I'm off to make my supper now; the whistling kettle is humming anyway. I detest humming, so I plugged the annoying high-pitched aural mechanism with a dead weevil I discovered in an old box of Fry's Chocolate Cream bars I purchased with my pocket money in 1973, but didn't eat due to the look my mother gave me when I returned home with them. It transpired that she was suffering from a stroke at the time, but the expression still had a certain disdainful quality to it.

Lord give me strength.
4 horse whispers| horse whisper

Wednesday. [31 Mar 2004|09:42am]
Bought new shoes yesterday; brilliant if a little squeaky. I've oiled them, but that only made it worse. Only made it worse. Not quite sure why I did that, actually. Hey, DJ, when you're doing that thing that you do of an evening, spare a thought for me.

Only two days till my tidying marathon!
6 horse whispers| horse whisper

Entry number 2 [30 Mar 2004|09:45am]
Made a few friends since i started this, its fun being popular, but i won't let it get to my head, thats the last thing i'd want to happen. And Everchicken i beggeth thee, don't pit me, marry me. So we can go off together and have a good time eating potato crisps and laughing at cheers.

Sail away sail away sail away.
8 horse whispers| horse whisper

Journal entry number 1 [20 Jan 2004|03:33pm]
Ho ho this is great. I'll enter everything i do in this. My new friend. Its great the internet, you can get anything on it, its expensive to use though, ten pounds is quite a bit.
Oh i must dash, i'm going to the supermarket to get food.
Bye
11 horse whispers| horse whisper

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